RSVP Yes means you are coming, right?

I discovered a pet-peeve. I usually don't sit around thinking about what kind of things bother me but when something happens that catches your attention in a bad way, it can raise that issue to a whole new level of awareness. It causes you to clearly define the offensive behavior for future reference.

This newly discovered pet-peeve is something that everyone does usually without any harm or bad intention.  We do it to try and not hurt or disappoint people but it always runs the risk of doing just the opposite.  So what act could be so damaging?  Not saying no.

How many times do you get invited to go somewhere, do something, or participate in an activity that you really don't want to do?  How many times do you come up with some excuse about why you can't go?  All the time, right?  We do it so we don't hurt people's feelings or disappoint anyone. Here are some classic scenes from the movie, Yes Man starring Jim Carey to help illustrate this: http://youtu.be/dk15ya0nzAk?hd=1 and http://youtu.be/XvKz7efhE2c?hd=1 

Sometimes people say yes and then don't show up.  Sometimes people will say yes and then, at the last minute, have a conflict conveniently pop-up.  Sometimes people show up but they can't stay long.  It seems like we would rather feel guilty about lying than mildly disappoint someone.  Where is the good in that? Doesn't this fall under the two wrongs don't make a right category? Why is it that we can't just say no?

What makes this phenomena the worst is when you are on the other side of the invitation. When you invite people to do things and you know they are lying to you in order not to participate. It feels gross and it cheapens your relationship. For acquaintances, this behavior isn't welcome but it seems to be more easily forgivable. Where it really crosses the line and this action becomes unacceptable and very harmful is when it happens between close personal friends.  When it is someone you have known for a long time and trusted, and they tell you a lie to get out of something, it really hurts. What does it say about your friendship when you can't be honest with each other?  What else are they not being honest about with you? Can you trust them moving forward?  What ends up as an attempt to not hurt someone's feelings ends up really hurting the friendship.  It is a major withdrawal from your friendship bank account and it is very difficult and time consuming to try and replenish the situation.

Is it worth it?  Just two little letters can prevent this pain, n-o. Saying no means you don't have to lie.  Saying no means... you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and be stressed about it.  Saying no means... you don't have to feel guilty about making up an excuse.  Saying no means... you might disappoint someone in the short term but you actually enhance your relationships with people because you were being honest with them.

Be real. Be honest. Just say no... or yes, but follow through.  You will be surprised what happens.  The more genuine you are with people the better your relationships will be and that is what life is all about in the end.

10 Signs You Are Rude

There is no excuse for being rude.  Situations may be stressful, you may be having a bad day, or you may be completely frustrated, but that doesn't mean you have gained the right to be rude to anyone.  Being rude means you have lost control of your own emotions, you are completely oblivious, or you don't care about people's thoughts and feelings.

Most people experience moments of being rude during a low times in their life but a few people are rude all the time.  Sadly, the "all the time" group, probably doesn't even know they are being rude.  It has become a way of life.  The people around them find it easier to ignore the rude behavior rather than to point it out.  They ignore the behavior because it shortens their interaction time with the rude person and avoids any confrontation.  However, when this behavior goes ignored, it sends the message that how that person is treating you is acceptable and makes certain it will be repeated.

Getting the feedback that you are rude is jolting.  No one wants this label.  With the right tone and timing, pointing out to someone that what they said or did was unacceptable has a way of dramatically changing how that person interacts with you in the future. Why do we let people be rude to us?  Why is it so hard to tell them?

How can you tell if you are being rude? Below are the 10 signs you may be being perceived as rude by other people:

10. You are always late
  9. You don't return phone calls or emails
  8. You ignore people that you know so you don't have to talk to them
  7. You don't tell people when plans change and they
      show up based on the original plan
  6. You interrupt people when they are speaking
  5. You wait to the last minute to complete work and make
      your emergency someone else's
  4. You are brutally honest with people not because it is
      the right thing to do but because it makes you feel
      better about yourself.
  3. You purposely leave people out of conversations or
      meetings to gain power from knowledge
  2. When someone is out of work for a day or two you are more
      concerned about how their absence will effect your work than
      you are about the reason they have to miss work
  1. You don't listen to what people say

The cure for rudeness... stop thinking about yourself, start thinking of others, and tell people when they are being rude to you.  The opposite of rude is being kind, mannerly, polite and respectful.  Start a routine of respecting other's time, finding ways to care about people, and refusing to ignore rude behavior.  What is your label?

Gift Giving Coaster

Happy New Year to all!

Do you ever have a moment when learn something new, learn everything you can about it, then you gather up enough confidence about the topic to tell someone else about it. The excitement in your voice and the spring in your step because you have this new nugget of knowledge. Just as you begin to tell someone about it they say something like, “Oh, right! I have been doing that for years…” Oh, the heartbreak!

It may take a good portion of the excitement out of your new discovery but you resolve to a feeling of being in-the-loop which is a good thing too.

Gift giving is a giant roller coaster ride of emotion. Everyone gets excited about receiving gifts-especially little kids. Most people experience pure joy when they give a gift that someone really likes, wants, or needs. The saying about it is better to give than receive holds true but getting to the wonderful feelings this moment provides is quite a long ride.

Here are just a few of the hills, valleys, twists, and turns of gift giving:
- The pressure to find the gift before the deadline.
- The angst in parting with your hard earned money to purchase the gift
(be honest you have this feeling)
- The frustration with the process of finding a gift: looking in store after store, the lines to
check out, finding parking, sitting in traffic, dealing with other rude customers, etc.
- The uncomfortablness that goes with the conversation about needing to return a gift you
purchased for someone else.
- The anxiety that goes with the decision to re-gift
- And the biggest stresser…waiting and watching for the moment when someone opens your
gift and gives you the confirming look of satisfaction.

No wonder it is better to give than receive… the sense of relief you get when the whole process it over gives you just as much joy and a sense of relaxation than the look of gratitude on someone’s face. Giving is a win-win for everyone once the event is over one way or another!