Taking Steps to Prevent the Victim Mentality

Victim: one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent

Once you are a victim your life is never the same.  Your life comes to an abrupt halt and is forced down a path that you never thought you would have to go.  The new path is really bumpy at the start.  There are potholes, obstacles, and it is hard to see in front of you but easy to see what you have had to leave behind.

No one wants to be a victim but inevitably we all will be one in our lifetime, if not many times.  Whether it is an attack, a burglary, a broken heart, job loss or something else, we all will experience it at some point in our lives. The severity will vary with each person and each incident but there only seems to be two results of being a victim.  Some people are able to move on with their lives and continue down the new path of their life while others get caught going in circles at the beginning of their new path.

When you are going in circles it holds you back from greatness.  You waste precious time rehashing the past and remain unhappy for a long time.  When you take action, take steps, you are using your time wisely and you can turn your focus to things that will bring you or other people happiness. 

So how do you know which victim group you are in?

The people that get caught going in circles demonstrate some common behaviors:

1. They talk about their situation every day.  They are continually trying sort out what happened and in the process seek empathy from other people.

2. They think that other things that happen in their life all relate back to the moment their life changed when they became a victim.

3. They focus on trying to undo what happened.  They think that if they could just go back in time and fix the situation things would be back to normal again.


The people that are able to keep going on their path and move on also demonstrate some common behavior:

1. They accept their new path and keep taking steps to move further down it.

2. They try not to talk about their situation all the time and prevent people from even knowing that they are on a new path.  They just want their new path to appear to be normal.  They talk about their situation when there is a better story to tell.

3. They learn from their experience and try to help others by preventing them from being a victim or by helping those who need to take those first steps down their own new path.

When you are sent down a new path in your life, one that you would not have chosen, you have a choice to make.  It is completely normal to feel emotional, that the situation was unfair, and that it didn't have to happen.  Being a victim comes with confusion and emotion and it takes time for your heart and mind to heal.  However, being emotional and confused doesn't mean you can't start taking steps onto your new path.  The more steps you take the more the healing happens.  Everyone has to take steps at their own pace but what is most important is that the steps are happening.  If you stop moving forward you can get stuck going in circles.

You can't go back in time but you can choose how you spend your time moving forward.  Your new path is your new normal.   Just keep taking steps.

Tee Ball is the worst sport ever!

It has been a few weeks since Tee Ball started for my 5 year old nephew. It has been fun to see him play the sport and interact with the other kids. However, each time I go see a game I can't help but feel like something just isn't right.

I know this is most kids first experience at playing baseball but playing any sport, no matter what level, isn't just about learning the skills for the sport. Playing sports is about learning life lessons. In my opinion, Tee Ball in its attempt to be fair and introductory for kids, is teaching them life lessons that will set them up for frustration and disappointment for the rest of their life.

Imagine going to work and having everyone in your department make the same money, work the same hours, and have the same workload. Where everyone has to take turns doing special projects and when someone makes a mistake that may cost the company large amounts of money are told, "nice try." Imagine a work environment where no one gets fired for attendance issues, poor performance, or for cheating or lying. Sounds fair on the surface but what about the long term consequences. We all have that one person who doesn't pull their weight at work or is just a bad worker. What if they are rewarded the exact same way you are? Is that fair?

If there are no consequences for our actions what incentive is there for

achievement? How can we learn how to cope with failure? In Tee Ball the rules are that everyone bats, no one gets out, and no one keeps score. It makes it fair and lets everyone play but at what age is it appropriate to introduce the real life rules of baseball? Do you wait until they are age 6, 7, or 8? Do you wait until they get more experience in school with bullies, grades, or games at recess? When do you burst the child's bubble that people get out, strike out, or sit on the bench when they don't perform well? Don't we learn more about ourselves and others when we fail?

By not introducing the real rules at the start are we making kids more susceptible to developing unrealistic expectations later in life? These are the kids that expect to get something for nothing. The kids that grow up thinking they are the victim all the time. These are the people we work with that think that no one understands them or recognizes how talented they are when we know they are just average. Or worse, these are the kids that give up on sports very young because they think they are failures the first time a coach tries to correct them. These are the kids that become an overweight statistic or frustrated worker because of an overinflated self-image that is continually challenged by an authority figure.

This past week I witnessed a kid walk to first base after he hit the ball. Kids will be kids and I realize they are still learning the game, but there was no consequence. No one said, "little Johnny you need to run hard to first base when you hit the ball so you don't get out." For little Johnny there is no incentive to run fast because no matter what he does he will be safe and get to run around the bases with the next three batters. Johnny had no reason to try his best.

At what point in our life is it not okay to walk to first base? Shouldn't we be taught from the very beginning to always do our best? For a child who may not understand striving to do your best out of moral conviction, shouldn't we insert consequences into their lives so there is at least the possibility to do something great or missing out on something? It will give them a reason to apply themselves and achieve something. It will naturally make them want to do their best and allow them to learn gradually what happens when life isn't fair.